Where to Eat Right Now! (or Whenevs)

It is with the mildest of enthusiasm that I announce my new no-brow restaurant: TryLess ProVictuals, or Sans Effort.  A refreshing antidote to the exhausting attention to detail, and the frankly intimidating competency that pervades so many modern dining experiences, TLPV offers diners a meal that cares even less than they do.  It’s anti-pretense, anti-foodie, and unabashedly anti-food.

It’s going to be moderately huge.  Here’s a sample of the menu.

Entrees:

  • Some Amount of Poultry.  Raised on, like, a farm somewhere?  Or a coop?  Whatever, it’s dead now.  With mangled potatoes and Stuff of the Day.
  • So Many Noodles, Struggling to Overcome Greasy Cheese.*  Topped with bread that met a violent end.
  • Overpriced Vegetables We Might Pretend We Bought at the Farmers’ Market, O’Gratin.*  Like the people at those stands are really farmers, anyway.
  • Beef in Beef Sauce.  With au jus (optional).
  • Pork-Fried Chicken Loins or Chicken-Fried Pork Loin.  Good luck!
  • Flesh-textured Eggs.  Smeared by onion-textured bacon.

*= vegetarian?

Dessert:

  • Flurn.

You’re welcome, George!  It was the least we could do.

Deleted Scenes: Praying for Time with the St. George Michael Cocktail

Adam Carolla is in hot water this week for calling the Wall Street Occupiers “ass douches.”  I’d like to nominate someone else for that appellation (besides Carolla himself): the fuckwits from “Christians for a Moral America,” who are praying for George Michael to die. 

The two news items are more related than they might seem (“like the parents of each ‘Christian for a Moral America’” … is what I might say if I weren’t more inclined than Carolla to take the high road). Carolla and those supposed “Christians” are both wrong, and the Occupy Movement proves that we need George Michael’s music now more than ever.

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Liner Notes: Back to School

Column: Mixology Mailbag Majors in the Classics

Working Title: none, actually.  I was pretty fond of this title from the beginning, and fortunately GOOD liked it too.

Date Published: 17 August 2011

A tough question this week, from a very attentive reader.  I took a Vacation Day to float down the Russian River the day before my deadline, and I sacrificed much quality floating time agonizing over various combinations of bottles and strategies.  Apologies to my indulgent friends, who tossed out helpful suggestions even though they were trying to relax.

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Liner Notes: Drink Through the Heat

Welcome to Larger Dirks “Liner Notes,” where I supplement recent columns with extra references, jokes I wish I’d thought of before my deadline, or pointless digressions that didn’t make the final cut.  This week: advice on simple tequila drinks!

Column: Mixology Mailbag: Drink Through the Heat

Working Title: “Mixology Mailbag: Heat Advisory”

Date Published: 3 August 2011

A lot of stuff didn’t make it into the column this week — not because of anything to do with the editing process.  I just outlined a column that would have ran several thousand words if I’d hit all the original points.  By the time I turned in a first draft, I’d shed maybe half of my initial ideas.

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Test Kitchen: Improving the Sevillean

In Larger Dirks Test Kitchen, I try out variations on a classical cocktail, or tweak a popular cocktail recipe in search of something closer to the Platonic Drinking Ideal.

The Challenge: Improve the Sevillean

In my first Mixology Mailbag column for GOOD, I recommended “a pistol-packing sweet tea” called the Sevillean, for moderately boozy summer/brunch refreshment. Here is the recipe, which I borrowed from Imbibe Magazine:

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Liner Notes: Mixology Mailbag Does Brunch

Welcome to Larger Dirks “Liner Notes,” where I supplement recent columns with extra references, jokes I wish I’d thought of before my deadline, or pointless digressions that didn’t make the final cut.  This week: Mixology Mailbag Does Brunch!

Column: Mixology Mailbag Does Brunch

Working Title: “Mixology Mailbag: ‘I Just Call That Morning’”

Date Published: 20 July 2011

Coulda Shoulda Woulda:

  • Since I borrowed the Pimm’s punch from their Little Black Book, I wish I’d been able to say a little bit about LUPEC (Ladies United for the Preservation of Endangered Cocktails), an awesome organization whose members include several of my very favorite people.  Do check them out for yourself.  Join your local chapter if you can.  And on a related note, I wish the first recipe I’d borrowed from LUPEC had been one by an actual lady.  (Nothing against Mr. Gersten, otherwise.)

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Glen Grantland

Or: What We Write About When We Write About Whisk(e)y

by Ken Walczak

I am baffled by this Grantland article on Pappy Van Winkle (“the best bourbon you will never find in time for Father’s Day”), by Wright Thompson.  The thrust of it seems to be: There is some really great bourbon out there, but you’ll have to take my word on it.  I’m not going to elaborate on what makes it so great, and you’ll never find a bottle on which to test my assertions

I don’t know Mr. Thompson personally; he seems like a genial Southern fellow and a pleasant and well-educated drinking companion.  I would like to have a drink with him, if he were willing … and if he were, I would be sure to ask him what he was hoping to accomplish with that article. 

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(Source: drinkingmadeeasy.com)

Songwriters, Speakeasies, and Southern California

by Ken Walczak

In which our intrepid correspondent manages to escape the reality distortion field surrounding Prohibition-style cocktail bars, and to secure a decent drink without a password or a reservation.

This “speakeasy” thing has been going on for a while now, and I am still not sure how I feel about it.  

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Larger Dirks MASCOT!

Please welcome Andy Dirks, of the Detroit Tigers, Official Baseball Mascot of Larger Dirks:

Andy "Larger" Dirks

(I assume you already know our Official Basketball Mascot.)

We like Andy so much, we’re willing to forgive him for his choice of employer.